A Communal Kenyan Wedding

Myself and new bf. Wish he had brought a ring for me.

Kageni getting carried into her vehicle by female fam members.

The bride having a pre-wedding cup of tea.

I had such a wonderful time this past weekend in my first Kenyan wedding experience. Mostly, I felt honored to be in the wedding as a bride’s maid and got to really soak up the experience from beginning to end. I was reminded over and over again that it’s not about the parents, the big cake, the dresses, the suits, the presents, or even the married couple to-be, but it was about…the community. Since we don’t really have this sense when it comes to weddings (or many other things), I was very curious how they were going to pull it off. But I am now a believer in this alternative approach to the big event…

The process, for many of us involved, started about four months prior to the wedding. This time when I was whisked away without knowing where I was going, I was taken to a local pub where “the elders” had gathered. The tradition stems from “the old times” when the tribal elders would gather around the fire and either approve or disprove of a marriage proposal (as in, the wannabe husband would propose to the tribal elders eons before proposing to the woman he wanted to marry- in fact after the father agreed as well, she didn’t have much say in it at all, but I’ll leave that for now…). Instead of cain licquor, Tusker beers were passed around in plenty, and the overall tone was one of mutual.merriment. At some point, Njugi and Kageni got around to the “official” announcement of their engagement and desire to start planning the wedding. Cheers were passed around, and then things became a bit serious when the elders started to offer their advice to the young couple. My Kiswahili is still shamefully minimal, but even if it was up to par, I would have no hope of following their mother tongue of Kikuyu. My friend that translated parts told me generally that they had wished them well, that marriage was blessed but not an easy road, but that if they needed any support, the community would offer it to them in any way they could…

From there, it was down to business. Kageni and Njugi gathered up about 20 of their peers to form their “wedding committee.” Every Sunday afternoon for those few months we became their wedding planners and financiers. The tasks of nailing down the photographer, decorater, caterer, etc was all delegated, and everyone had pledged a certain amount to cover the cost. A daunting task became light amongst all of us. After a few meetings, all that was left was to brace ourselves for the big day. Here, they have very open invitation weddings. As in, you are allowed to invite friends of friends even if they don’t know the couple. The event is also announced to the whole church. There is no RSVP involved, so one never knows how many people will show up. They prepare for the whole village.

The week before the big day, about every big reservation was changed at the last minute due to factors beyond anyone’s control. Miraculously, it all got sorted out in time. The morning of the wedding was something I thoroughly enjoyed- about 60 women crammed into Kageni’s mother’s home all dressing and prepping. It was delightfully chaotic with one bathroom and one mirror. Having spent a good five hours on her hair the previous night, Kageni was mostly set. While the groom’s family was negotiating the final dowry details with the bride’s father, we kept the bride’s nerves at bay by dancing, singing and taking pictures. Our singing was soon echoed by all of the women outside, signaling that the negotiations were through. We all lined up, escorting our bride out of Kageni’s house. Our heels kept sinking into the wet ground from the rains the night before and I was horrified how Kageni was going to get into her vehicle with that long white dress… My fears were quelled when I looked behind and realized she was being carried by about 20 of the singing and dancing women.

After a slow ride around town in the flowered vehicles with plenty of honking and whistling, we pulled into the church about noon, two hours after the ceremony was supposed to begin. Of course, no part of the ceremony went as planned. It was hilarious how random people from the congregation kept passing the pastors notes to indicate that they wanted to make a speech or sing a song. Somehow, the pastors were able to keep up. The tear-jerking things that are the same everywhere held emotional weight here as well. The groom fumbled his vows in an endearing way. The bride had at least one big tear, and I’m sure I had a few of my own. After the two hour ceremony, we continued to the reception. We sang and danced to the food line, sang and danced to receive the gifts, to pass out the cake… I didn’t even notice time passing and before I knew it, all the guests were clearing out around 5 pm. We had a bit of time to relax, change clothes, and all the young people sorted themselves out for the big after party, which more or less resembles the reception that you find in the music (even the appropriately cheesy kind), drinks, the fun…

It was a great day all around, and I really did feel like it brought everyone, not just the bride and groom, together.